Changing

I'm very aware of one painful fact at this moment; I've been changing, and nobody has noticed. It's as if I'm still a child, surrounded by joyful people, complimenting me on my smile, telling me how adorable I am.
It's shocking to realize that no one has payed attention to you enough to know your likes, dislikes, personality and problems.
I still wait for that spark, that moment where everything changes in your life, and suddenly everybody realizes who you are, like what happens in the movies. Movies aren't reality, though, and again, I should get my head out of the clouds.
With everything that's been happening lately, I'm really having a dreadful time. Today, I got home and stared at my wrists for a long time. It's not like me to cry, and I can't really. I can't cry when I'm sad or frustrated, but I wanted to cry, I wanted to let everything out, all the emotion I've been keeping in.
I knew a knife would scar, so I took a rubber band and snapped it onto my wrist until they were growing into red welts.
I cried my eyes out until I could cry anymore.
"Do you want people to believe good of you? Don't speak."
                                                                          -Blaize Pascal

Invisible

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday, which is an amazing relief. After I post this, I'll be doing a major load of homework; two hundred index cards full of facts about the Kiowa and the Crow, an essay comparing them and then a PowerPoint about them. On Tuesday, I'll present the PowerPoint and turn in everything. To just one teacher.
Everybody was complaining all day about the project, which I understand, but I can't change it, so I just keep my mouth shut.
Now, I bet you're saying, "Wait how does this make her day remotely alright?" Well, my friends, I do in fact have a crush. He's nice, blond hair with blue eyes, a little chubby but in the cutest way possible, and besides I don't care much about that. He hangs around girls a lot, but he doesn't flirt with them and he's new like me, he moved from Alaska. He's friendly when we talk, but we almost never do because, of course, I'm invisible.

Today, he talked to me. It was simple, he was just asking me how to pronounce my name which is Kaylin (a perfectly normal name in Colorado) and he congratulated me on my good grade for an essay he was passing out. He came back to ask me where a girl named Riley sat so he could pass her the paper. I didn't hear him at first, so I looked up and asked "What?"

I looked him straight in the eyes, and instead of responding, he just stared. All I could think of was how blue his eyes were, it was amazing. After about ten seconds of just staring at him I asked him again. He stuttered and repeated the question, so I pointed out where she sat and that was the end of it.
I'm hoping he talks to me a little more after that, but I can stay single for as long as I need to, I don't think I'll be going out for a long time anyway. I still miss my love in Florida. Any ideas of how to move on?

The Freak

" 'Doctor, doctor everyone hates me!' 'That's silly, you haven't met everyone.' "

I've managed one quiet bus ride and I didn't choke on a speech I had to preform in 6th hour today. All seemed pretty well until I reached my last class period.
The teacher decided my class couldn't handle sitting with whoever we wanted, so she gave us a new seating arrangement. A boy who I thought was especially cute (but too dimwitted to be my crush) was forced to sit by me. When the teacher called his name, he shouted so that the whole class could hear, "Aw why do I have to sit by the freak?!"
That was definitely an FML moment, but I managed to just smile. I'm quiet, I doodle in my notebook and blush a lot. My hair is dyed a dark red and I dress in mainly dark clothes, but I'm not emo, I'm not goth, I'm in absolutely no cliques.
Maybe you could call me a nerd, maybe a little weird, but I'm not a total freak.
The whole class thought this outburst was the funniest thing ever, so yes, they all laughed at me.

School Life

Today, I got on the bus as usual with my "friend". Usually, after awhile we both shut up and listen to our ipods. Unfortunately for me, she would not leave me in peace and soon enough my cheeks were aching from how much I was pretending to smile and laugh. I didn't have a moment of peace on the bus which I need first thing in the morning.
The rest of the day was terrible. I have a brand new project in two of my classes, which I will have to work my fingers to the bone on to make a good grade. In 4th I had to present a project with my ex boyfriend. Yes, I already have an ex.
He asked me out, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to say yes, but after two days he'd said he loved me and after three he was pressuring me to kiss him passionately. After he surprise attacked me at school that day, I broke up with him. He proceeded to tell every friend I had at school that I was a b**ch. So now, all I have is my "friend" and about five enemies, not including my ex.
I wanted to go to my chill spot today, but I was at my friend's house almost all day. She refused to let me go until I told her it was getting dark outside and I didn't want to walk home in the dark.
Does anybody have suggestions for me? Good lies? Ideas? Theories on life?
Anything you've got, I'll appreciate.

Lies

I had to get away from my "friend" who is smothering me. It feels like having two overprotective and controlling mothers, which I don't need. I lied to her and told her I was camping in Moab. So, today I just went to my chill spot in the woods. It was peaceful, quiet as usual. I contemplated a lot of things, and most of all I daydreamed. I thought of what else was out there for me. I wondered if I could find a secluded space of my own, away from the rest of the world. Everyone tells me I shouldn't be a hermit, but what if that's what I want? Do any of you ever feel that way? I also thought of how little adventure I have in my life and wished that even if it was scary that something special would happen. I don't expect a vampire to pop out of the woods and say hello but would it really hurt anyone to say hello to me? I dreamed of a friend, someone, anyone I could relate to to come out of the woods and say that this was their chill spot too, but we could share it together. I contemplated life after death. Does anybody have theories about that? There's too many possibilities, I don't know what to believe, but I think the least painful, relaxing and the most scary thought I had was that after you're dead you're simply nothing. You're just nonexistent; there's no afterlife, there's no spirits, you just disappear. And then I thought of my lie to my supposed friend. It was an obvious sign that I couldn't stand being friends with her, but I realized how much I needed her. She's the only real friend I have, even with as much as she annoys me. There's nobody here. There are no kids my age around the block, no kids like me on the bus, no kids I can relate to in my classes. I feel invisible as the rest of the world goes on around me, not noticing me or acknowledging my existence. I'll be waiting in my chill spot every day for life to catch up to me a realize I'm here. Maybe I should keep my head out of the clouds.

Moving and Moving On

How many of you out there have had to move? Out of state? City? Country?

I've just recently moved from Florida to Colorado, leaving behind the love of my life and the greatest friends in the world. I've coped with it terribly; keeping a smile on my face in front of my mother, who dragged me out here because she missed it so much and then crying myself to sleep at night. I miss them terribly, I miss my love who I had to break up with. I now have one friend and it's the fourth week of school. She's clingy. She's annoying. She's boy crazy. I miss my old friends, I'm forgetting the exact color of my love's eyes and the exact sound of his laugh. I can't seem to move on, I think of them daily and it makes me sad that it's possible they have forgotten about me. It was me and my best friend's theory that life revolves around the people you revolve around. But who do I have now? Who does my life revolve around? I go to my secluded spot in the woods every day, a knife in my hand, contemplating what to do with it. I contemplate how this small steak knife could effect my life, if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm afraid I'm becoming more sick in the head than I already was. I'm afraid the loss of everything I've ever loved is driving me to the brink, and it worries me even more that I somehow don't even care that I'm losing my mind. Please, help.